You can't stop the first dagger

I never wanted to die, because I knew my life was worth living, but I couldn't cope with the thoughts. I wanted the negative thoughts to stop. 

 

For a few months over Christmas/ New year I was working with the Crisis team. I became addicted to sleeping tablets, tablets that I was only supposed to take three times a week for approximately 2-3 weeks, but took them every day for 5 months. I was also on antidepressants. I was asked if I wanted to stay at a Crisis respite house, where for a week I would be surrounded by support and therapists as an attempt to stop my suicidal thoughts. I declined because of my pride. 

 

I have always been a strong advocate of self change, being that you cannot change until you truly want to. I don't know at which point I realised that I no longer wanted to be unhappy, but it came just before the mindfulness course began. 

 

As I say, I was extremely doubtful. I did not believe that I would be able to keep my thoughts at peace for even just a few minutes in order to be able to meditate. Yet, I knew that my best friend was in a similar position. She had already been on the course before, and praised it. I saw her visibly change. It was something worth giving a go. Worst case would be that the course wouldn't be effective; even if this was true, I wouldn't be in a worse position. Nothing could be as bad as it had been. 

 

I told my friend that I would go with her, and when the first Thursday of the course arrived I was so nervous. She drove us, and I was shaking the whole way. 

 

As soon as I walked in, I knew I had made the right decision. The atmosphere felt calm, and I happily obliged in taking off my shoes and settling in a chair with a blanket. 

 

I listened. I listened to Suryacitta, and I listened to students. I realised that I wasn't battling through life on my own, and that not everyone was as happy as they sometimes perceive to be. The first session flew by, and I felt hooked. 

 

I downloaded the app, and practised meditating at home. I couldn't last for longer than 5 minutes to begin with, before my mind refocused on my stresses, but it was a start. With time, this extended to lengthier periods of time, and I would find myself meditating on my daily commute surrounded by a buzz of conversation. 

 

I began to look forward to my Thursday sessions. For me, it was a respite. I knew that for even just a few hours each week, I would be at peace. I began to open up during the sessions, as did everyone else, and felt comfortable addressing my flaws. 

 

Each week focused on a new teaching. One of my favourite sessions was about a concept of two daggers. The first dagger is the initial worry. The second dagger is the consequential worry - the 'what ifs' and the false predictions of negative outcomes that may (but most likely may not) happen as a result of the first dagger. I found myself doing this in almost every aspect of my life. A perfect example had actually happened on the way to this session. I was driving my car, and hit the curb. First dagger. I then spent the rest of the journey worrying about the cost of a new tyre, of being able to get to work the next morning, of breaking down on a country road on the way back or not being able to drive my car at all. Second dagger. These negative thoughts flooded my mind, to the point where I felt physically sick with nerves. Whenever I find myself in this situation, even now several months after the course has ended, I remember the two daggers. 

 

8 months ago I was severely depressed. I was suicidal. I never thought I would be happy again. But I am. I am truly happy. I am content with my life, and I genuinely feel that mindfulness played a key factor in this. It changed my way of thinking, and helped me to recognise that our thoughts do not have to be our own worst enemy. I am no longer on any medication, and my old personality, my happy and outgoing personality, has returned. 

 

Guaranteed, life isn't easy. I still have bad days. We all do. But the difference is that now, it's a bad day. It's not a bad week, or a bad month. If a bad day comes, I simply remember the two daggers. You cannot stop the first dagger, but you can stop the second.